Service Industry

Some Final Advice from Your Waitress

I’ve been meaning to post something new here for ages. I’ve been meaning for that thing I post to be an incisive and intelligent blah blah blah article about one of the many things in the world that is currently terrible, like this, and this, and this (just kidding, the last one was a puppy. Go ahead. click it.)

But I’m in a transitional phase right now, and will soon be relocating to a new state–Texas! I’m sure that my time in the Lone Star state will spur a whole new set of incisive/angry articles about a whole new set of terrible/upsetting things, but meanwhile, I’m just plain too exhausted to be articulate about these things. Moving is hard work. Also, moving comes with quitting my jobs.

That’s right, your waitress will no longer be a waitress–at least for a little while.

So in honor of that, I have decided to devote one more article to a little helpful hint for all you bar and restaurant goers out there. Here goes:

Your waitress is not interested in you.

Shock! The thing is, I think that most people know that when your server is being friendly, it is because it is their job to do so. However, there are still plenty of people who seem to have not gotten the memo about this, and this article is for them.

I recently had an interaction at work that went like this:

Dude: wow, are you the only server working tonight?

Me: yep!

Dude: so you must be really busy. I guess I shouldn’t hit on you right now?

Me: You should never hit on me.

Dude: *confused pause* I should never…?

Me: Can I get you another drink?!

Dude: Mumble mumble no thanks mumble.

Now I could have been nicer to that guy. But I don’t really think he deserved it. There was a time when that kind of interaction would have sent me into a tizzy of embarrassment and uncertainty: did I somehow provoke this? Did I offend him? Should I just have flirted to preserve a tip? (hint: no.) And then I would have avoided the table for the rest of the night.

But I’m a grown-up now, and I don’t get embarrassed anymore, because I understand that 1) it’s not my fault some people are inconsiderate, and 2) it’s not my responsibility to make sure that those inconsiderate people feel good about themselves. The kind of person who is going to try to be smooth with me while I am working is also the kind of person who doesn’t respect that I am working. He doesn’t understand or doesn’t care that regardless of the niceness of our interaction, it must intrinsically be disingenuous because I am working. He is not prepared to face rejection, and doesn’t care that I am almost certainly not interested. I feel bad for this kind of person, because he does not know what is going on. The world is, apparently, a vast mystery that he has yet to crack.

Lucky for him (I’m sure he’s thinking right now) I am here to help.

So honey, a message for you: your hat is stupid, your line is unoriginal, your presumptuousness is a turn-off. I don’t appreciate your lack of respect for me and I’m not going to pretend like I do. Next time you hit on a girl at a bar, make sure it’s a customer. You might do better with someone who’s drunk.

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